


How Many Bros to Change a Baby?

by Titans_R_Us



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Aranea gets a cameo, Ardyn is creepy but not too much, Chocobros - Freeform, Epic Friendship, Families of Choice, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Team as Family, baby! Noctis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 17:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9835106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Titans_R_Us/pseuds/Titans_R_Us
Summary: The four are used to the effects of a fight.  Of being frozen, poisoned, electrocuted (thanks Noct) or being turned into a toad.  In fact Nagas seem to highly enjoy turning one of their party into a frantic hopping thing at least once an encounter.But this time is different.  This time Noctis is turned into something...new.The guys therefore respond with varying degrees of panic.  Prompto is the loudest, but what else is new?





	

Noctis hates Nagas.

Even if he hadn’t been attacked as a kid by a Marilith, getting the injury that took out his legs for _years_ , Noct still has _extreme dislike_ for snakes that can’t shut up. Like, how could he not hate the long stretch of coil and scales? Or the face full of daggers that looks so human until the jaw suddenly unhinges to eat you whole?

But the creepiest thing has got to be the hisses of, _“Where’ssssssss my baby?  What did you doooooo to my baby?”_

Noctis hits the monster with a strong lightning spell or two. “We don’t have your stupid baby!”   

But the words don’t stop.

 _“Where issssss it? Give me back my baby!”_ The shriek almost makes Noct’s ears bleed.  

Most of the crew is poisoned in the dank pit of this sewer trap, so it’s up to Gladio and Noctis to buy Ignis time. The two blonds crouch in the corner as Ignis gives Prompto another antidote so he doesn’t faint from the toxin.

 _Bam._ The Naga is strong and knocks Gladio to crash into the wall. She leans over the dazed man, acid spilling from her mouth. A green drop hits the floor, sizzling dangerously between his legs and Gladio winces as smoke rises from the spot.

“There is no baby!” Noctis shouts, drawing the creature’s attention.

The Naga jerks, straightening up to its tall and menacing height. Then, she lunges for Noctis.  He warps _once_ , _twice_ but the Naga’s range is wide enough to snatch him in her coils.

Well, this isn’t good.

Noctis gasps as the prison of hard armored scales tightens against his ribs.  His eyes go blurry as he tries to find a warp point, get a hand free, _anything_ , but the Naga’s grip leaves no escape.

 _“I will have my baby.”_ The Naga inhales and spews a flood of ebony smoke right onto Noct’s face.

The last thing Noctis hears is a worried scream of his name. Then everything goes dark.  

* * *

Ignis almost finds it inspiring how quickly the monster was dealt with after the prince disappeared from view.

Gladio slashes the tail with a broad stroke and a furious roar: the berserker raining attacks down right and left.  Prompto takes out the eyes with unerring precision. The final death blow comes from Ignis himself when he realized the creature was vulnerable to ice.  The frost bloomed on the floor, even branching partially up the walls with the strength of the spell.

But crew didn’t wait for the Naga’s final death knell to fade before dashing into the space where Noctis had been last seen.

In the middle of the dungeon there was a pile the Prince’s clothes. The black fabric collapsing as the openings of collars and sleeves billowed out with rich black smoke. Ignis could only breathe again when he noticed a large lump in the center of Noct’s shirt move.

 _Thank the Holy Six_. The prince must have somehow been transformed.

They are not new to the effects of being a toad, and it seems Nagas do favor turning one of their party into a frantic hopping thing at least once an encounter.

“Is he okay?” Prompto says, looking to Ignis, his eyes wide with concern.

“Probably, Gladio do you have a maiden’s kiss? I believe Noct may require one.” He starts reaching into Noct’s clothes to uncover the bump. It is best to fish his prince out.

“Tch, too bad we don’t have Lunafreya. In fairy tales doesn’t the frog prince get some?” He gripes, but he hands over the cure to Ignis.

Who’s so still it’s as if he’s petrified.

“Ignis?” Prompto questions.

Ignis pulls out the bundle and the other two gasp in shock. “I may have been incorrect about what exactly we’re dealing with…”

A piercing wail comes from the thing that Ignis reveals.  He cradles the crying, red-faced naked—

_“BABY NOCTIS?”_

“This is peculiar,” Ignis mutters. He’s never had to handle this type of situation before.

Prompto wildly gestures with his arms. _“WE CAN’T TAKE CARE OF A CHILD!”_ he emphasizes strongly.   

“Hmmm.” Gladio ponders the kid. The brat still has a fluff of black hair and his wails stop at the wheezing sounds Prompto makes. It’s like he’s determined to be the loudest of the group. Not that Prompto needs any help. Noctis is a fat baby, though in Gladio’s very limited experience maybe all babies look like that. Maybe it means they’re healthy or something?

“I mean, a baby!” Prompto continues, even with Ignis balancing Noctis on his leg as he attempts to fashion some type of covering for the child. He decides to pull the T-shirt back over Noct’s head and knot together the shirt’s ends for the prince’s legs.

Prompto counts reasons on his fingers, “A baby sleeps all day, is a picky eater, is sulky and moody…” he trails off.

The men take a second to reflect on their prince’s behavior, _at what exactly Noctis does everyday_ and start to feel their confidence come back.

“So….it’s like normal Noctis,” the gunman finishes.

Ignis stands, supporting Noctis on his hip while touching his chin. “Precisely.” How could Ignis doubt his own abilities?

Gladio just stares at the baby. Is Noct the size of a large or _extra large_ cup-o-noodle?  “Well, either way we should scram.  This place isn’t best for the brat.”

“I agree, let us take our leave and find a way to return Noct to normal.”

Prompt picks up Noct’s stuff and the three make their way to the door. “Yeah _we got this,_ let’s get out of here. ”

They, in fact, did not ‘get’ this.

Here are some pros and cons that Prompto forgot to consider.   

Pro: Noctis is fairly light and easy to carry.

Con: Their new battle strategy is Prompto _booking_ it with Noct in whatever direction Ignis points while he and Gladio _wail_ on anything that dares to follow them.

Pro: Noctis still loves to sleep.  And if you hold him, he’s actually a pretty good baby.

Con: You can’t put him down. _Ever_. He will scream the moment you try and Gladio has been carrying Noctis against his abs for an hour.  But whenever they try to switch or offer a crude sling for the baby, Gladio snarls at them to fuck off.

Pro: Noctis is a stupidly cute infant.

Con: Noctis appears to be about three months old… and is not potty-trained.

The moment they were first slammed with the _smell_ , Gladio and Prompto turned to Ignis, their one and only hope.

“Just because I’ve been with the Prince the longest, doesn’t mean _that_ has ever been a part of my duties.” Ignis sniffed glaring at the two. “No, if we are to get through this, gentlemen, then we must _suffer_ together.”

In horror, Prompto looks to Noctis, and Prompto swears _he’s evil_ because Noct takes one look at his face and sweetly _giggles._

**Later. Much, much later.**

It’s been three days and still no cure for Noct. They’ve tried everything in their inventory and asked every outpost from Hammerhead to Lestallum. But nothing. Only coos and fawning over the little royal. Finally, after reducing their last source of information to making silly expressions for Noctis, Ignis decides it’s time to focus on buying necessary supplies for their new situation. A proper car seat since the Regalia is not safe for a child. Of course, Prompto and Gladio are determined to keep it when Noct changes back. Plus they need milk. Harvesting it from monsters tends to be tedious.

In addition, they are out of diapers.  

“Bro, I love you. _I’d die for you_ ,” Prompto hisses while he prods at Noctis little tummy, “But now I own you.  I own your soul, you hear me?  Anytime I ask for a favor, a photo, help with girls, help with Cindy, all I will have to do is say the word _diaper_.”

Gladio holds Noctis out of reach, shielding the child from Prompto’s bony fingers. “You know this stuff is handy if you _do_ ever get lucky with a girl, Prompto. Chicks dig guys that are good with kids.”

It does seem to be true, especially in Lestallum as revealed by several adoring women. One of the older ones even said, ‘It’s good to see someone finally made an honest man out of you gentlemen.’ Apparently, it’s the status quo for the men to stay home and perhaps run the shops while the women get the _real_ work done at the power generator. Someone’s got to bring home the bacon, right?

“I’m glad to hear such a mature statement from you, Gladio,” Ignis hands Gladio a bottle. It’s time for the Prince’s lunch. “ _Especially since you’re changing Noct next.”_

“Aw, Specs, don’t be like that.”

“It’s only fair. Prompto and I have already had a turn attending to Noct’s needs.”

“Yeah!” Prompto yells.

“Alright, alright. Well, at least Noct at this size can’t get into much trouble.”

Of course, that’s when Baby Noctis decides this is the perfect time to warp right out of Gladio’s arms.

The gang thus decides to panic.

“Where’d he go?!” Gladio shouted.

“Noct? Buddy, Baby?????!!!”

“Over there!” Ignis points to an alley, several feet away from them.  He winces at the shape of the sidewalk as well as the trash almost leans over Noct. “Something must have caught his eye.”

Something turned out to be a shiny piece of sharp rock. _“Get that out of his mouth, immediately!”_

Prompto gets there first, hurriedly sticking his fingers into Noct’s drooling mouth, _gross_ , so he doesn’t choke. Noct squirms in his grasp, whining over the loss of the object. He’s about to cry. Gosh, Prompto hates when Noct gets like this. Bouncing the boy lightly in his arms, he tries to stop the tantrum early.

“Shhhhh, shhhh. You’re a picky eater, remember, Noct? You don’t need that nasty rock.” The words are not enough to stop a shrill scream.

Well, at least things can get worse right?

A low drawl comes from Prompto’s left. _“My, my. What an interesting turn of events.”_

Oh. Come. On.

“No.” Prompto twists sharply, the action flipping Noct’s mood and making baby laugh. “No, no, no, no, **_noooooooooooooo_**.”

Just lounging against the brick wall _like a creep_ , fedora tipped over one eye _like the slimeball he freaking is_ ; the chancellor of Niflheim slowly smiles.

“No. You turn around and go back from whence you came demon!” Prompto points further down the dark alley as if to give Ardyn ideas.

Oh, if only these fools knew. Ardyn’s smile grows larger, toothier. “It appears the prince has been met with an unfortunate, _inconvenient_ fate.”

“That’s none of your business,” Gladio growls. He positions himself in front of the group when Ardyn takes a step closer to see the child better. The man pouts at the blocked view and Gladio sizes him up. He seems to be alone, but Gladio wouldn’t put it past him to have some guards in the awnings.

“True. But I could make it my business if you like.” The chancellor pulls off his hat to give a mocking sweeping bow. “You might find my services and _information_ helpful in this regard.”

“I wonder if the empire is aware of how freely you are with your services…” Ignis crosses his arms, fingering the daggers at his hips.  “Either way I believe we must _decline_.”

“Such a pity.” Ardyn puts back on the hat and starts strolling away.  “If only I could change your mind.”

Prompto clutches Noctis to his chest a little harder. “Well you can’t, so _go away_.”

“Very well. Have fun trying to find _Mother’s Breath_ for the dear prince~” The man singsongs as he waves a hand in parting. Then, with relish, he starts mentally counting down.

One. “No. _Come on, the guy’s the worst._ We can do this without him,” someone whines.

Two. “What? You wanna be changing Noct’s diapers for god knows how long? We have no leads, Picture-Boy.”

 **Three.** “In all my studies I believe I’ve never come across this _Mother’s Breath_ as much as I loathe to admit it…the chancellor’s Intel could be vital.”  

There is a loud groan, and Ardyn barely stifles a deep laugh. These poor foolish lambs.  

“Chancellor Izuna!” The shout is ugly, but will do. “We’d like to reconsider.”

“Wonderful,” Ardyn purrs. “I knew you would see it my way.

* * *

 Ardyn’s connections seem to pay off for the group once again. In hours he presents a location for the illusive _Mother’s Breath_. A cave probably filled to the brim with daemons, it’s opening covered with thick moss.

“Remember the flower is small and fragile. In the depth of the cave it shall almost appear to glow white.” The group sneers at the flourish Ardyn ends with. But Ardyn does them one better, he provides a fourth party member since Noctis is down for the count.

“You know if the chancellor keeps paying me to babysit you idiots, I’m gonna have enough to retire early.” Aranea flips up her helmet with a smirk as she eyes the three men and baby.

“Miss Aranea,” Ignis ignores the remark, pushing up his glasses. “If you will please just watch over Prince Noctis while we—”

“Nuh-uh. Just cause _pretty boy_ makes a _pretty baby_ doesn’t mean I want the drool daemon anywhere near me. And the job’s to babysit you, not the prince.” She places a hand on her hip daring the others to argue with her.

“But if you’re coming with us, then who’s—” Prompto’s question dies on his lips.  The group turns to glare at the fifth person that breaks into the most deranged smile.

“Why me of course.” Ardyn makes grabby hands, “Now, give me the prince.”

“How about a **Hell. No**.” Gladio touches his sword in warning.

“Now see here. Do you truly wish to bring the prince in this state into a dangerous situation?”

“You are a dangerous situation!” Prompt explodes.   

Ardyn motions to the cave, “I’m sure the monsters in there would be thrilled to hear that you would rather take your chances with them.”

The impasse only stops when Aranea pokes Ignis in the side, “Come on. My services are bought by the hour and you don’t want to put them to waste. We go in, grab the bloody flower, and then go our separate ways.”

Ignis scowls, but approaches the smug man. “I cannot believe we are allowing the chancellor of the country that destroyed our own to care for the prince. _Our country’s future,”_ he stresses.

“Come now, I have always been straightforward with my intentions.”

“Bullshit,” Gladio mutters.

Ardyn pulls Noctis from Ignis with a little resistance. Noctis looks confused, lifting a chubby hand towards Ignis’ glasses. “Besides when I want the prince dead you will know.”

 _“That does not reassure me,”_ Ignis hisses, stepping forward, intending to reclaim Noct, but Aranea tugs on the back of his collar.

“Stop your motherhenning and focus on killing things,” she corrals the trio into the cave.  The three look mournfully at the prince in their enemy’s arms. “And, hey, if the chancellor _does_ do anything, I’ll help murder him for free.”

“I am still not assured,” Ignis states as the prince fades from view.

“Tough luck, Sweetcheeks.”

Ardyn waits a few minutes, until the echo of their footsteps ceases, before nuzzling the child.  What a pleasure. The man looks at the child in sheer amusement at the irony.  “You do exist to give me new _fascinating_ experiences, my dear prince. Who would have thought you would give me an opportunity to be paternal?”

The child is so small. Buried in a crook of one arm, giving Ardyn a free hand to distract the babe with, as well as to explore the changes in the prince. The chubby cheeks, the wisps of hair, a button-like nose that Ardyn taps gently once in awhile. Prince Noctis has the widest eyes when he’s awake, yet barely makes a sound. What a considerate infant, how delightful.

“Then again, I doubt the gods will allow either of us to have children of our own. It is just not in the stars for us. I should treasure this experience instead of throwing you in the marsh to _drown_.” The man lets out a low chuckle that has the babe looking up at him curiously.  

“Ohhh, you are adorable,” Ardyn coos sinisterly. “And fragile. And weak. I wouldn’t have to do much, just leave you a few yards away to be devoured by the wildlife. To hear your cries and see the _mess_ you’d make is incredibly tempting...”

Despite the vile fantasy, Ardyn’s fingers are careful as he pets soft hair. He rocks Noctis back and forth, looking around for a place beside the dungeon to sit. A large boulder at the opening provides a perch to rest as the prince reaches for the shiny ornaments on Ardyn’s clothes.

Tch, that won’t do. Many of his adornments are too sharp for such soft gums. He gives the child a knuckle to suck and sighs. “But I did make a promise. And what’s the point of killing a babe, when I could destroy a king? I’ve put so much work to keep you alive so you can fulfill your destiny. Honestly, I swear you’re my most expensive investment yet, dear Noctis.”

The name is rolled out, and Ardyn starts to dream. “Yet I’m sure you’ll be worth the wait.” His eyes darken and narrow at the prince in his arms. _“I won’t accept anything less.”_

And if his hold is a little more possessive, a little more defensive, well, at least Ardyn’s insured  no one is around to judge him.

* * *

“Hey Noct—”

“No.”

Prompto bulldozes on, “—Do you remember the time you spit up over Ignis when he tried to feed you something green?”

Noctis _knows_ once the tirade starts, there will be no end and he’s _this_ close from sinking his head in his hands…and crying.

“Please.”

“Or the time when you thought eating anything shiny was a good idea and you gave Gladio a heart attack cause you started to _choke_?”

“Yeah, thanks for that, Princess,” Gladio drawls, thumbing the top of his beer.  That shit was way too close.  But every painful thing was worth it to see Noct’s red embarrassed face now.  Ever since they shoved _Mother’s Breath_ down his tiny throat, they’ve given him hell. That’s what he gets for worrying them silly. Of course the little shit should count his blessings they waited until the chancellor and Aranea were gone before his transformation. Heh.

_“I will pay you to stop.”_

“Or when we had to race to the nearest outpost cause you announced to the world that babies were pooping, peeing machines.” Prompto gets into Noct’s face to taunt only to be shoved away.

“Ugh.” Noctis stands up from the camp chair. “I’m taking a walk.” He stomps past their gear and into the moonlit night. He doesn’t care what lurks just outside of the haven‘s safety. If he gets killed by one of the monsters lurking in the dark, at least he’ll be safe from Prompto’s voice.

“Prompto, make sure the prince isn’t unaccompanied,” Ignis calls lazily from his chair, for once the retainer sits and rests from his labors. The cave was challenging. Rewarding, of course, but challenging. So he and Gladio contently watch the exchange, rather pleased that the prince is back to his normal adult state.

“Aye-aye, Iggy!” Prompto gives Ignis a quiet salute and gleefully chases after the prince.

Noctis hears footsteps behind him and groans loudly. “I will warp to get away from you, Prompto.”

“Awww, buddy, you know there’s nowhere I won’t follow you. Sure it’ll take me a while, ‘cause you’re faster than me, but _I will find you_.” He says this so cheerfully that Noctis feels a legit chill run down his spine. “But just in case…”

And he tackles Noct into the ground.

“Get off!” Noctis growls, enraged, spitting out dirt. They grapple a bit, arms flailing, Noct trying to get out, while Prompto overcomes the laws of physics to become an octopus.

Prompto gleefully states, “Nah. You’re comfy.” He rubs his head into the prince’s hair. Yeah, this is the best. Baby Noctis was freaking adorable, but Prompto can squish this version as much as he wants without shame.

“I hate you.” Giving up, Noctis slumps resigned to the desert floor. He tires way too easily. At least the sand isn’t hard. Plus that rock jabbing his ribs doesn’t hurt too much, score.

“Do you really not remember what happened?”

“Yeah.” Sorta. Noctis doesn’t remember things, but he does remember _feelings._ Not that he’s going to spill that to Prompto anytime soon. Especially when they’re the gushy type. Thoughts of being safe and warm, a laugh that rings in his ear, of the sensation of arms tucked around him, protecting him from all harm. Feeling…loved and precious.

Yep. Noctis is going to take those memories to the grave. Then he feels a wet lick sweeping from his cheek to his eye.

“What the—” He jerks surprised. There’s drool running from of the tip of Noct’s nose, and he brushes it away harshly. It is futile. Slopping spit returns in three seconds.

“Oh, it’s Umbra.” With the dog’s name, Prompto releases his hold so Umbra has more space to attack the prince.

“U-Umbra. Umbra, stop!” Noctis sits up as Umbra barks happily. Tail beating enthusiastically, he climbs into the man’s lap to go after his chin and neck. Only with many scratches and pets does Umbra allow Noctis to pull Luna’s notebook out from his neck pouch.

Cracking a soft smile, Noctis opens the book to see Luna’s message.  It’s been awhile since the last one. He freezes. No, please no. He turns to Prompto in utter betrayal.

 _“You told Lunafreya?”_ Noctis wheezes hoarsely.

“Told her? Now why would I do that?” The gunslinger gives a grin that strikes terror. “I’m a photographer and Lady Lunafreya only deserves the _best_ of shots.”    

Noctis gasps. _“How could you?”_ Okay. Prompto is enjoying this too much. “You horrible, waste of space, you _dirtbag_.”

“A dirtbag that changed your diapers, Bro.”

“You’re never gonna let that go are you?”

“Nope. Neverrrrrrrrrrrrr.” Prompto stretches the last sound obnoxiously. “But hey! It looks like Lunafreya did a trade.”

Noctis looks back down to the journal. Huh. Right there, nestled in the pages, is a faded baby picture. The baby is on their stomach staring up at the camera with huge eyes and a tuft of blond hair. There’s an inscription on the side in pen.

_‘My maid was careful to save one of these. It’s one of the last I have of my childhood, but it’s a perfect price to pay for the treasure you’ve given to me. Thank you.’_

“Awwww. I did good.”

“No, you didn’t.” Noctis takes the picture and tucks it carefully into the front pocket of his jacket.  Then, after kicking Prompto away so he stops reading over his shoulder, he jots a few lines to her in response.

“Yeah, I did.”

“Shut up,” he grumbles, patting Umbra once more. Sneaking one last lick, the dog trots back into the night.

“Hey, Noct?”

“Oh my gosh, what?” Noct huffs frustrated. Haven’t they messed with him enough already? First was the bloody car seat, next hounding him with all the baby gear and finally _this_. Though, if Noct is honest, he’s probably going to touch Luna’s picture in his pocket subconsciously for days.

An arm wraps around his shoulders. _It’s warm and safe._ The Six, what’s wrong with him?

Prompto’s head is turned away from him as if he’s shy. _Hypocrite_. “It was fun, but—” His voice drops to a murmur, “I’m glad you’re back to normal.”

“Me too.” A hesitant breath. “Thanks for…you know. Taking care of me and stuff.”

The arm tightens a bit and Noct feels stupidly grateful. “Anytime, Bro. Anytime.”

The moon rises above them. They’ll go back to camp in a minute. Just a minute.

Noctis really does have the best of friends.

It’s…nice.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off of a delightful fanart I saw here: http://haitori.tumblr.com/post/155842419133/3-chocobros-and-a-chocobaby-in-which-gladio-thinks 
> 
> I couldn’t help myself, besides we all need a little more happy Noctis in our lives after…that ending.


End file.
